Showing posts with label The Onion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Onion. Show all posts

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Onion got even better after they added Sports

As a fan of Little League Baseball for the Nintendo Entertainment System, this article strikes me as far too good to simply offer a snippet, so I am going to reprint an Onion article here in its entirety. Enjoy!

Hawaii Wins Little League World Series

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The Hawaii team, known for its powerful lineup of short, fat Skill 5 hitters, defeated the Mexico team 12-3 in the championship game of the Little League World Series, a four-round, single-player tournament held from 2 p.m. to 3:15 p.m. Sunday. A majority of the games were played in Speed Mode.

Hawaii's offensive outburst was led by such stars as Glen, who had three hits and four RBI on the afternoon, as well as right-handed cleanup hitter Adam, who was 2-for-3 with a double and home run. Leadoff man Thomas chipped in with a home run of his own, which prompted two identical cheerleaders in the crowd to wave their pompoms in front of a giant neon "HOMERUN" sign.

"I say it every year—the short, fat players have the most power," said commentator Orel Hershiser after the game. "When you've got guys like Byron, guys like Steven even though he's just a Skill 2, guys like the 'Big A's'—Aaron, Adam, and Alan—you're going to score a lot of runs. It would take a stellar pitching performance to shut this team down, and unfortunately for Mexico, Ramon did not have his best stuff today."

Hawaii got off to a quick start, scoring six runs in the first and taking full advantage of Mexico's sloppy defense. Third baseman Chico (Skill 1) had a particularly rough day in the field, committing six errors and several mental miscues. In the fourth inning, Chico slid head-first eight times in an attempt to catch a foul pop-up before letting it fall to the ground, and later ran directly past a ground ball in the hole while on his way to inexplicably cover second base. On three occasions, he fielded a routine grounder and accidentally threw it to home plate instead of first base. Chico later claimed that he "didn't know how" to throw to first.

Mexico's only runs came on a lucky break in the fourth inning when, with two on and an 0-2 count, Juan hit a ball into the gap that became lodged in a portion of the fence that prevented Hawaii's right fielder from retrieving it. As a result, the outfielder ran in place into the fence for over 20 seconds while Juan rounded the bases.

Aside from that one lapse, Hawaii's starter Jerry was dominant, holding Mexico sluggers Paco and Benito to just one hit apiece.

"Jerry had all his pitches working today: the fastball, the slowball, the ball that starts fast and then slows down right before it reaches the plate, and the breaking pitch that starts down the middle and then slowly curves 15 feet outside as the batter begins his swing," Hershiser said. "His pitch sequences were set up beautifully. He did a great job of throwing pitches inside to make the batter stand in the far corner of the batter's box, and then coming back with a fastball that painted the outside corner. Worked every time."

Mexico's pitcher, Ramon (Skill 2), did not fare quite as well. After giving up a double to Alan and a groundball triple to Glen to start the third, he quickly tired, demonstrating his fatigue by removing his cap and allowing two geometric lines of perspiration to emanate from his head. He then threw his next fastball approximately 20 mph slower than the last one.

Surprisingly, however, not a single walk was issued by either team, and only three balls were thrown during the entire game.

Despite the resounding victory, Hawaii was not without its own blunders. Their defense failed to hit the cutoff man once all game, and whenever first-baseman Aaron fielded a ground ball, instead of stepping on first base to record the out, he would throw it to the empty bag, causing the ball to skip into right field. Hawaii could have potentially won the game by the 10-run mercy rule had they not consistently run themselves out of innings. The most flagrant baserunning gaffe came in the fourth, when Adam forgot how to go back on the basepaths.

After Mexico's loss, somber music played as three of Mexico's players were consoled by their coach, a white man in his mid-40s.

"YOU TRIED HARD, BUT LOST," the coach told his crestfallen team in a crude but playful typeface. "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."

Many Mexico fans are protesting Hawaii's win, claiming that the U.S. team used controversial—and some say illegal—tactics to win the game, including removing their best hitter Aaron for a pinch-runner after he got on base and then reinserting him into the lineup as a pinch-hitter two outs later, and having what appeared to be six outfielders, all of whom moved simultaneously at identical angles and speeds. In addition, during a key play in the second inning, a Hawaii outfielder tricked Mexico baserunner Pancho into trying to stretch a single into a double by simply not picking up the ball.

Both teams endured a long, difficult path to get to the championship game. Mexico had to defeat Chinese Taipei and Korea in the first two rounds, while in the semifinals, Hawaii overcame a late-game deficit to beat fan favorite Texas with a walk-off home run, made especially memorable as it traveled exactly along the foul line without ever curving.

The 2008 Little League Baseball Championship Series went relatively smoothly this year, suffering only a few minor mishaps. The final game was delayed 18 minutes in the third inning for reasons the official scorer said pertained to obtaining "Hot Pockets and a Sprite." Earlier that afternoon, the perennial powerhouse New York team, led by Ward and Saul, was forced to forfeit their semifinal match when their coach forgot the 22-digit alphanumeric code needed to begin the game.

However, in an improvement over previous years, only one quarterfinals game had to be suspended and replayed after all the players simultaneously froze.

Sources confirmed that several Bases Loaded scouts were in attendance, and that Utah is looking to sign Hawaii pitcher Jerry and place him in their rotation alongside Quinta, Lep, and Stava.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

September 17, 2008 is the day that Ken Griffey, Jr. becomes the home run king. *may not actually happen

Ok, this is purely speculative, so please bear with. And also note that many of the stats used are rounded off to eliminate decimal points.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is undoubtedly one of the greatest home run hitters of all time. In his pre-injury-plagued days, it seemed a foregone conclusion that The Kid would be the one to break Hank Aaron's career home run record. But of course, the 2002-2004 seasons kicked in and ended his chance of making a run at the record.

But what if they hadn't? What if he never broke his wrist in 1995? What about other not as major injuries? Just what if Griffey managed to stay healthy all these years? Not necessarily Cal Ripkin, Jr. healthy and play in every single game; after all, most players need a day off from time to time.

In Griffey's 20 seasons, he has amassed 500+ BA in a season only 10 times thusfar. In those ten seasons, Griffey averaged 573.2 AB per season, and approximately 151.4 games per season as well. For his entire career, Griffey averages one home run every 15.12 AB (9192 AB, 608 HR). If these averages were true for the first 19 seasons of his career, he would be averaging about 38 home runs a year and theoretically would be at about 720 home runs entering the 2008 season, his 20th in the league. Averaging about 6 1/3 home run per month through his hypothetical career in which he plays in 151.4 games per season, let's say he would be at about 747 currently (as of August 5, 2008), leaving him just eight behind Hank Aaron's mark of 755 career home runs.
Staying consistent to this career average, Griffey would be looking to pass Aaron's place in home run history on or about September 17th. I'm going to assume that if he were this close to the home run record, the Reds would have never traded him to the White Sox. September 17th falls in the middle of a 3 game series for the Reds at the Great American Ballpark against the St. Louis Cardinals, allowing Griffey to break the record in front of his home crowd. As is, Griffey will be playing in Yankee Stadium with the White Sox instead.

So if you're at the Reds/Cardinals game that day, realize that today could have been the day that you got to witness baseball history firsthand. Or if you're at Yankee Stadium on September 17th this season, make sure to salute Griffey for his hypothetical passing Hank Aaron on the all time home run list. Even if you're not at either game, take a moment to ponder Griffey's passing Hank Aaron, as I am declaring September 17, 2008 to be Ken Griffey, Jr. home run champion day. (Note: Bonds Schmonds)

If all this were true, Griffey would be ending this season at 758 home runs, leaving him only five shy of bringing a huge sigh of relief to baseball as he passes Barry Bonds for the career lead in home runs. If he stays healthy, April 2010 would welcome baseball's first 800 home run hitter, the 40 year old Ken Griffey, Jr. Impossible?

Remember, all of this is based on assumptions and (wild?) speculations, but, what if? A major step towards moving beyond the steroid era could be right around the corner. If only Griffey had a healthy body.